memes

In Walmart the employees disappear like roaches when you turn on the light.

Had a hardware guy explain how to find the right light bulb for my stove once. I'd have figured it out but he saved me some time. That was a cool experience. The one time I actually had to ask a guy where to find something, instead of telling me where it was he asked what I was doing and then proceeded to lecture me about how I should use some other things instead. It was like nah, dude I know what I'm doing, that shit is way more expensive and doesn't fit this project. He then left me to find what I actually wanted on my own.

The hardware store near me uses it as a selling point. "We keep low prices due to self service".

The staff only knows how to scan the barcode and use the credit card terminal. Everything else in on the webpage.

There was the time I had to hunt down an employee to make a copy of a house key for me because they didn't have any of the automatic machines and the other home improvement super store in the area which did have an automatic key making kiosk unfortunately did not have a functional automatic key making kiosk.

For 45 minutes, I tried to steer the conversation away to almost any topic besides the one he insisted on having about his favorite American football team, The Patriots. This guy was stopping the key duplication process just to look me in the eyes and tell me about The Patriots. He messed up his first 2 attempts at copying the key I was having made because he was too busy talking to me about The Patriots. I probably told him 10 times in the course of this episode that I don't watch sports at all, don't know the teams, the players, the rules, the seasons, and I have no interest in it. That didn't dissuade his passion to discuss The Patriots with me at all.

Got home and of course the set of keys he made didn't work.

When someone asks me for project advice, it’s usually someone SO woefully ignorant that I think it’s irresponsible to sell them tools. The other 1% of the time, it’s someone very experienced asking me an incredibly detailed question that I couldn’t possibly answer.

They might know where something is, that's about it.

However, there was an autistic kid working at my local Lowe's for a while. If I had trouble finding something, I'd ask him, and he'd quietly walk me right to it. Every time, no matter what it was. One time, I was in looking for a locking door knob set, he pointed me to one that had been mis-priced and was 80% off. He said it was a pretty good deal, and that he'd sold a couple of them that day. I took it to the check out and it threw an error. I explained the situation and waited. After a while, a "manager" showed up and said they couldn't sell it for that price, but they'd give me 50% off.

Hardware store guy: "I'm here if you need any advice!"

Me: "How do I begin to heal from past traumas when my only coping mechanism is fantasization and when the only emotional reaction I have to someone breaking contact with me is validation of my belief that I'm a burden and they are better off without me in their life?"

David Cross is a great stand-up comedian.

The look they give you when you are the twenty seventh customer and ask for your free ballpeen hammer

"How do I open the package on my battery operated package opener?"

Damn them and their neutral expressions!

Unless you visit Ace Hardware.

True Value was my first job as a teen. I was beyond useless when it came to actually using the things sold in the store. I lived at home, had never done any actual projects myself beyond a pinewood derby car, and was not to be trusted beyond which aisle something is in.

He looks like he could use a Thunder Muscle.

I know more than them, the only advice I need is where to find the bathroom